saying goodbye again

This morning, my dad's dad, Dale Smith, went to be with the Lord.  My granddad was an incredible man of God who I greatly respected. 

 

What made his death so difficult was that the way he died was very similar to my dad's death only four months ago.  Granddad came under Hospice care in his home last week and had the same hospice nurse my dad did.  They specifically requested her because she did such a great job caring for my dad.  We were able to see Granddad on Saturday when he was still responsive.  When I walked in to his bedroom where he was laying, it instantly brought me back to my dad laying on the hospital bed in the living room of his home during his last days.  My mind was flooded with memories of my dad as he approached death and all the emotions that went with it.

 

God had graciously revealed a few things to me before I went to see Granddad.  I was so fearful of losing the peace and joy that I had been able to experience in the midst of grieving my dad's death.  I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle the emotions again.  I didn't know if I could see my granddad in a similar state that my dad was in.  God revealed to me that I was clinging to his gift of peace and joy instead of clinging to him.  I was trying to psych myself up and mentally prepare myself to see Granddad because I was afraid that if I didn't, the peace God had given me would disappear.  But when I stopped holding on so tightly to the peace and joy and just cried out to God, I knew he would provide me what I needed during my time of grief as he had done with my dad.

 

There were a lot of tears at Granddad's bedside.  There were a lot of laughs as well since Granddad was joking until the end.  But I wasn't worried about trying to muster up peace and joy on my own.  Instead, God graciously gave it to me.  On the drive home that night, I was so joyful.  I kept praising God for walking through this loss with me.  He is so faithful.  I am continuing to trust that God will provide everything we need to get through this time.  It will be difficult. The visitation is at the same place my dad's visitation was at.  The funeral will be at the same church as my dad's service and he will be buried right next to my dad.  I'm sure there will be more emotions and memories of my dad as we go through these next few days of celebrating Granddad's life but I know God will continue to provide joy and peace in the midst of it as he has before.

 

Granddad's funeral is Friday and I have the privilege of giving the funeral message.  What an honor for me to be able to give a tribute to the life of a man who had such an impact on me and point to the hope that he always reminded us of - Jesus.

first christmas

This was the first Christmas without my dad.  At times it was pretty rough but we were still able to experience joy and peace.  I was expecting some of the things that triggered emotions like the empty chair as we opened presents and the absence of my dad's laugh and comments.  But there were some unexpected things that brought sadness and tears - his empty stocking hanging on the stairs and the tag on the presents that only said "From Mom."

 

God continued to remind me that he is my source of joy and peace.  So that even in the midst of sorrow and grief I can experience HIS joy and HIS peace which don't run out and aren't dependent upon my circumstance or situation. 

 

Last year my siblings and spouses stopped exchanging gifts.  Now we each bring a few gift cards and play games to win them.  This year we did one game from last year -the matching game.  We go around the circle and each person picks two pockets on the board.  You have to match a gift card with the name of that card written on a piece of paper.  If you match you get to keep the card, if not the next person goes.  Once you get a match you are done and it goes around until everyone gets a card. 

 

I created a new game this year that dad would have loved.  He had a small Wheel of Fortune wheel made many years ago.  I adapted it to fit a new game.  There were different categories on the board that provided different ways to win a gift card.  We took turns going around the circle spinning the wheel.  Depending on what you landed on, you had to answer a Christmas trivia question or act out a Christmas  scene to earn a card. The wheel included a bankrupt, an instant winner where you won 2 cards, and the opportunity to steal from someone else!  There are of course some more elaborate rules but you get the point.  We went around until all the gift cards were gone.  People walked away with 1-3 gift cards from a variety of places. 



 



 

Spinning of the wheel

 

 

My brother in law, Ty earns a gift card by drumming and singing "Little Drummer Boy"

 

 

My brother, Karsten earns a gift card by training the rest of the elves on how to get Santa out of the chimney when he gets stuck. 
 

We will be making some changes to the game next year to make it even better.  It was a gift to be able to laugh and have a great time together as a family even as we grieved our dad's absence.  

doing the dishes

The other night I was filling the sink to do the dishes.  Eli proceeded to pull a chair up to the sink and tell me he wanted to do the dishes as well.  Of course, I wasn't going to stop him.  Help with the dishes??  Jackpot!  This is one of the reasons you have kids, right?  I was shocked that he knew exactly what to do.  He knew how to use the brush to wash, the water to rinse and then to put the clean dishes on the counter.  Of course the reality was he splashed more than scrubbed.  Rinsing consisted of getting water everywhere and he just set the soaking and still soapy dishes on the counter as the water ran down the cabinets.  But what struck me was how he knew how to do all this.  How did he know all this without ever doing the dishes before?  It was because he has seen Michelle or I do dishes almost every night. 

My eyes were opened to how much my kids pick up.  I often try to avoid Eli (and eventually Caleb) repeating things they shouldn't such as, "Nice turn signal" when some slams on the breaks for a quick turn or "Hey baby, pucker up," followed by kissing noises (thanks to his Aunt Whitney).  But when Eli pulled that chair up to do the dishes, it made me realize how intentional I should be in modeling for him the things I do want him to pick up on.  If I'm not careful, I will spend most of my time telling him all the things we don't do as part of the Smith family.  He will know what we are against but not know what we are for.  We don't hit, head butt, or whine...which he hears often.  But we also serve each other, help around the house, and encourage one another as part of the family.  I want to be intentional in modeling these things to my children.  My kids hear me say "no" often, but I hope they watch me do the positive things just as much.  I'm all about positive reinforcement but I think it is even more powerful to model right behavior.

Not only do I want to model what it means to be part of a family, I desire to model the same for my kids in regards to following Jesus.  Often times, the church focuses on what we are against rather than what we are for.  I pray that Eli will learn, by watching and participating, that following Jesus is about restoring the broken, grace and mercy being extended abundantly, the sick being made well, and the lost being found.  I pray he sees that when someone is in need, you help them.  When somone is sick, you lay hands on them and pray for healing.  When someone is down, you encourage them.  When you are wronged, you pray for them and bless them. 

By encouraging Eli's servant heart, we pray it continues to grow. Yes, I had to keep cleaning up a bunch of water and rewash all the dishes...but that is a small amount of work for Eli learning how to help around the house and serve his family.  When Michelle had a headache the other day, I had Eli put his hand on her as I did and he repeated after me a prayer for healing.  It was unclear and consisted of mostly jibberish...but it is worth it for the day when he initiates prayer.

emotional tension

It has been seven weeks since my dad died.  There are many things that I expected to remind me of my dad.  Things like sitting in the chair at the dentist office, political debates, and a good laugh.  But there have been a number of things that I didn't expect to remind me of my dad and to hit me emotionally like they have.  So many things are a reminder of what he won't be a part of anymore.    Tears come out of nowhere as things trigger the reality that he isn't coming back.

 

Last week my youngest brother, Collin, had senior night for soccer.  It brought me back to the memories of when I had senior night in high school for swimming.  I vividly remember my mom and dad walking my twin brother and I out to the starting blocks to celebrate our time on the team.  Collin didn't get that.  My dad wasn't there to share in that moment with him.  Collin gave me the honor of walking out with him and mom onto the field for his senior night.  Most kids had both their parents as they looked out at the rest of the families and fans with such joy.  The three of us looked down at the ground as we fought tears. 

 

My dad would have been so proud of Collin and it was so sad to think about him not being there. For those of you who have lost a loved one you know the surreal feeling of the rest of the world going on as normal as your world is forever changed.  Things are different now.  Every day I have new realizations of how things are different.  What things won't be the same.  It is an odd split of emotion.  On one hand as I stood on that field with my brother we were so proud of him and celebrated his achievements yet on the other hand it was a difficult reminder of our great loss.  I know there will be many more events like this one that bring up a variety of emotions.  I praise the Lord that he gives me exactly what I need each day. 

my dad

I got a call last Thursday morning and when I saw it was my mom, I knew it was the call I had been dreading.  A few weeks earlier, my dad was told there were no treatment options left for his cancer and that he likely only had weeks to live. Mom said my dad wasn't expected to make it through the weekend and that we should come home.  My siblings and I all made it to my parents house by the afternoon.  We spent time praying, sharing stories, crying, reading Scripture and listening to worship music together at his bedside.  When my dad passed in the middle of the night, we were all able to be there with him.  It was a very special time.  At times, it feels so surreal and at other times, it seems all too real.  If you didn't know my dad, you can read his obituary.

 

Thank you to everyone who came to the funeral and visitation.  We were overwhelmed at how many people came.  Your love and support has been a wonderful gift.  We loved hearing the stories about my dad and how he has impacted your lives.  At the visitation, I was telling some friends from Holland that a lot of people there were patients of my dad.  My friend told me that if his dentist died, he wouldn't go to his visitation.  I thought about it and realized how unusual it was to have so many patients there.  It was normal to us because it was what we grew up with.  My dad saw his patients as more than just teeth that needed to be cared for but people who were to be served and loved.  They, in turn, viewed him as more than a dentist but as a friend. 

 

Other friends from church got lost on the way to the visitation.  They stopped a few miles down the road at a gas station and asked where Bridgman was.  They guy responded with, "Oh, are you going to Neal Smith's visitation?"  Only in a small town!

 

I was able to see so many people that I haven't seen in 10-15 years.  Some were Sunday school teachers, others were grade school teachers, among others from my past.  I had a number of people come up and say something like, "So...I hear you are a pastor."  A look of disbelief was on their face.  When I told them that was true, it was followed up with something like, "Wow.  I didn't see that coming."

 

This may be weird to say but the funeral was the best funeral I have ever been to.   Jesus was praised and my dad was honored.  You can see the slide show of pictures that was shown at the funeral or listen to the audio of the entire service.  Sharon, an employee from my dad's office, shared what my dad was like as an employer. Lawrence Temfwe, our family friend from Zambia, shared how dad had impacted his life and the influence he had on his ministry.  Mike Gathright, the pastor of mom and dad's church, Storyline, then shared about dad's impact on the church and shared the Gospel.  I then had the honor of sharing on behalf of my siblings about the legacy my dad is passing on to us as his children.  All of my siblings came up with the content, I just got to share it.  Jim Liske then finished up with a message from Acts 8 that he and my dad had worked on together.

 

It was a hard day, yet it was a wonderful celebration of his life and how he lived with a deep love for Jesus and others.  I miss my dad deeply but am grateful for how intentional he was in teaching me and discipling me.